Happy September Sistas!
We have all made poor choices which can leave a trail of emotional destruction…within us. I know I sure have! Can you recall making a choice like this? The type of choice that leaves that trail along with wounds of shame, self-loathing, anger and disappointment. When you add all of those things together.. whew, talk about a recipe for destruction! Yesterday, I realized that this week-the week after Labor Day- 15 years ago I made this type of choice. A choice based solely out of fear. I had an abortion. There I said it. The Positive Polly, Style Coach and Spiritual Mentor you all know made one of the poorest choices EVER and is admitting it. I do so freely because I know many of you reading this right now have also made this choice. Often, I share this story with my on-on-one coaching clients and in workshops, but today- I feel it may help many of you here on this community.
At that time in my life, I had turned my back on God, buried the trauma from my past and was on a path of self-destruction with any type of substance, toxic relationship or emotion numbing activity I could find. The last thing I could do was be a good mother. I had always said, “I will not be a screwed up girl raising a screwed up child.” On my birthday that year, I stood in my bathroom alone and looked down at 2 positive pregnancy tests. Happy Freakin’ Birthday Tiff. Honestly, I did not even contemplate ANY other option than abortion. I was not in a serious, healthy relationship with the father and I had already planned to move to LA the following January. This was NOT in my plans. The internal butt-kicking began. “How could I be so stupid to have unprotected sex? You idiot! Mama will be so disappointed in you. No, I can’t tell her. I can’t tell anyone! Not even my best friend!” I decided I would carry this choice all alone. I wouldn’t want to shatter their “Miss Perfect” image of me.
The day came to have the procedure and it was like a bad nightmare. I was dropped off at the front door alone with not a soul to escort me in and hold my hand. This was my choice. Although it was 15 years ago, it feels like yesterday as I recall the whole thing. When I woke up, there were several other girls of all ages in one recovery room. Every head hung low and eyes filled with shame. No one would look at each other directly in the eye. The shame I carried from my past was intensified to a whole new level which was out of this stratosphere. I will bury it. I will add a new mask to my collection. FEAR FEAR FEAR.. the worst F-word there is was officially the leader of the pack now. There was no room for self-love, acceptance, Faith, hope or happiness. They were all shoved to the back of the line for a very long time.
THEN THERE WAS GOD!
As I write this today, I can honestly admit that I am free….yes, one of the greatest F-words…FREE! When I slowly began turning my life back to God, which was just a glance over my shoulder for a while, I began understanding the Power of Forgiveness. “Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.” [via http://greatergood.berkeley.edu]
I asked God to forgive me of this poor choice, this sin- but it was imperative that in order to have true freedom, I had to also forgive myself. I had to…yes, HAD TO release the toxic feelings of resentment and hatred towards myself. A deliberate decision, not half-heartedly, but completely and without restraint- the decision to give myself the gift…the freedom of forgiveness. In order to heal and move on with life we MUST give ourselves this gift. God forgives us so let’s take His example and do the same for ourselves. Unforgiveness keeps you stuck like your feet, your heart and soul are in hardened concrete. When I forgave myself, the concrete shattered. HELLO FREEDOM! I have moved on! That deserves repeating.. I HAVE MOVED ON!
OUR POOR CHOICES DO NOT DEFINE US!
Many of us allow our past and poor choices to define us. It’s time to redefine YOU! Is there a choice you’ve made that you are holding unforgiveness toward yourself for today? Are you allowing it to destroy you, your life and your happiness? Do you feel stuck? Give yourself Grace today. Give yourself the Gift of Forgiveness. Give yourself Love. Do not allow the unforgiveness to rob you of one more day. You are more courageous than you realize. Take a sledge hammer to the concrete and…..