Happy September Sistas!
We have all made poor choices which can leave a trail of emotional destruction…within us. I know I sure have! Can you recall making a choice like this? The type of choice that leaves that trail along with wounds of shame, self-loathing, anger and disappointment. When you add all of those things together.. whew, talk about a recipe for destruction! Yesterday, I realized that this week-the week after Labor Day- 15 years ago I made this type of choice. A choice based solely out of fear. I had an abortion. There I said it. The Positive Polly, Style Coach and Spiritual Mentor you all know made one of the poorest choices EVER and is admitting it. I do so freely because I know many of you reading this right now have also made this choice. Often, I share this story with my on-on-one coaching clients and in workshops, but today- I feel it may help many of you here on this community.
At that time in my life, I had turned my back on God, buried the trauma from my past and was on a path of self-destruction with any type of substance, toxic relationship or emotion numbing activity I could find. The last thing I could do was be a good mother. I had always said, “I will not be a screwed up girl raising a screwed up child.” On my birthday that year, I stood in my bathroom alone and looked down at 2 positive pregnancy tests. Happy Freakin’ Birthday Tiff. Honestly, I did not even contemplate ANY other option than abortion. I was not in a serious, healthy relationship with the father and I had already planned to move to LA the following January. This was NOT in my plans. The internal butt-kicking began. “How could I be so stupid to have unprotected sex? You idiot! Mama will be so disappointed in you. No, I can’t tell her. I can’t tell anyone! Not even my best friend!” I decided I would carry this choice all alone. I wouldn’t want to shatter their “Miss Perfect” image of me.
The day came to have the procedure and it was like a bad nightmare. I was dropped off at the front door alone with not a soul to escort me in and hold my hand. This was my choice. Although it was 15 years ago, it feels like yesterday as I recall the whole thing. When I woke up, there were several other girls of all ages in one recovery room. Every head hung low and eyes filled with shame. No one would look at each other directly in the eye. The shame I carried from my past was intensified to a whole new level which was out of this stratosphere. I will bury it. I will add a new mask to my collection. FEAR FEAR FEAR.. the worst F-word there is was officially the leader of the pack now. There was no room for self-love, acceptance, Faith, hope or happiness. They were all shoved to the back of the line for a very long time.
THEN THERE WAS GOD!
As I write this today, I can honestly admit that I am free….yes, one of the greatest F-words…FREE! When I slowly began turning my life back to God, which was just a glance over my shoulder for a while, I began understanding the Power of Forgiveness. “Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.” [via http://greatergood.berkeley.edu]
I asked God to forgive me of this poor choice, this sin- but it was imperative that in order to have true freedom, I had to also forgive myself. I had to…yes, HAD TO release the toxic feelings of resentment and hatred towards myself. A deliberate decision, not half-heartedly, but completely and without restraint- the decision to give myself the gift…the freedom of forgiveness. In order to heal and move on with life we MUST give ourselves this gift. God forgives us so let’s take His example and do the same for ourselves. Unforgiveness keeps you stuck like your feet, your heart and soul are in hardened concrete. When I forgave myself, the concrete shattered. HELLO FREEDOM! I have moved on! That deserves repeating.. I HAVE MOVED ON!
OUR POOR CHOICES DO NOT DEFINE US!
Many of us allow our past and poor choices to define us. It’s time to redefine YOU! Is there a choice you’ve made that you are holding unforgiveness toward yourself for today? Are you allowing it to destroy you, your life and your happiness? Do you feel stuck? Give yourself Grace today. Give yourself the Gift of Forgiveness. Give yourself Love. Do not allow the unforgiveness to rob you of one more day. You are more courageous than you realize. Take a sledge hammer to the concrete and…..
SANCTUARY OF STYLE 
Amazing post. Thank you for sharing such a deep personal journey as this.
Big hug Theresa!
Thank you for your courage in sharing this, Tiff. It must have been so hard. I love you!
Love you too Mandy- yes, it was difficult, but I felt God leading me to share. Thank you for your support sista!
Thanks so much for this post. I really appreciate your honesty. You have helped me today.
I’m so glad.. that was my intention in sharing!
Beautiful post. Thank you
Thank YOU Diane!
Thank you so much, Tiffany, for this post. Forgiveness, no matter whether it’s for ourselves or someone else, is so very difficult. Thank you for letting us know the grace that awaits us when someone chooses that path. Hugs and blessings to you for your words and most of all, your kind and generous spirit.
I appreciate that Jill. Hugs and many blessings to you lovely lady!
Trank you so much! You are a big inspiration to me! God bless you!!
Thank you and God bless you too sista!
Hi Tiffany! Thank you for sharing your courageous story. I have been struggling with forgiveness for some time. I was in a relationship that I thought was leading to marriage. I had helped a man in my life with many things and gave up tens of thousands of dollars to help him with his mistakes and put myself last and in the end felt horrible because I was tossed aside once his world was restored. I had ovelooked the red flags and believed in his potential instead of seeing him as the person he would always be. I left when he said that the efforts I had made were not to be sharded together. I was heart broken and angry.
I was more angry at myself for my ridiculous actions than anything. This man contiues to call me and dangles the carrot of repayment in front of my nose, but all he really wants is a booty call. The other day he called and I saw yet another example of his habitual lying and said to myself, I’m done. I have done so much digging into my soul to find out why I allowed this to happen but I still have not completely forgiven myself.
The fact that you have shared this on today has moved me ahead on the road to forgiveness. I am so glad I signed up for your weekly e-mails. Here’s to your revalation and your share. May we all be inspired by your contribution. Thank you ever so kindly!!
I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this, but so happy that my words inspired you today toward forgiveness and ultimately.. FREEDOM! Be blessed xo
Tiffany,
You didn’t make a bad choice…you made the right choice. Just look at you what you wrote,you were in a toxic relationship,you were battling addiction and you were not ready to be a mother. God knew this….and he led you to that clinic that day. He knew you wouldn’t want to have a child in such a lost state that you were in,the child would have been just as lost as you.
By having the abortion,you gave yourself the time to find your calling,time to meet your soulmate in Aaron,time to help so many others who need you here in the now.
God had a plan for you and it wasn’t being a single mom struggling in Hollywood. You made the right choice….because if it had been different,chances are we would have never met here online,you wouldn’t have created the SoS,these sisters would have missed seeing the beacon of light you truly are.
Grabbing the kleenex!! Thank you for those generous words Michael. WOW- such support and I’m so grateful for you taking the time to encourage ME!
I need a Kleenex too!
I second this! I’m so sorry Tiffany that there was so much shame attached to your experience. We are so lucky to have a CHOICE and there is no shame in making the right one for you at the time. I’m happy to hear you’ve moved past it. xo
You were truely brave for what you did 15 yrs ago. It wasn’t a mistake. The mistake would of been having the child and the child growing up to be a statistic of many disfunctional people who cannot see further into a childs future. It is not fair to bring a child into this world if you don’t think about their future and how it will affect them in life. They recieve enough negative vibes from the world, they don’t need that from a parent as well. I praise you for the strength and courage for what you did and congratulate you on forgiving yourself. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you beautiful! Your encouragement is very appreciated and agree!